Attitude - Use of foul words (1991)

Though it is not considered as too serious affair to use foul words, it was not welcomed when I used one of the most prominent foul words, that too abusing my third brother. It was in 1991 when I was 11 years old. My eldest brother saw me when I used the foul word. However, I didn't think it was audible to him. So when he called me with an angry gesture, I decided not to look scared as he might not have heard the foul word uttered by me, maybe it was for something else he was calling. Hence I crossed the road in style resembling the way a king moves after dispersing his ministers.

At the very moment I reached home, my brother hold me through my right hand. It was too strong to resist. At that age too, I was intelligent enough to be sure that he heard the bad word. He took me to a seperate room, closed the door, picked up a stick, and started beating me black and blue. While beating me, he kept uttering "what word did you use for your third brother?" I thought if I let him know, he would let me go; as if he didn't know. I uttered the word and said, "this is the word", being as proud as Saleem saying Akbar that he was in love with Anarkali.

However, I was beaten even more after the utterance of the word. I was saying to myself, "if you didn't want to hear the word, why the hell you asked me?", using the same word in my mind for him too. Anyway, as I was crying loudly, my first girlfriend and my mother came for my rescue. No, no, please don't jump to a conclusion that I also had a real girlfriend in the age of 11 though I was born in a small conservative town in the most conservative family of the locality. It was my grandma. I call her my first girlfriend as I used to fight with her the way nowadays, I see, it happens with most of the couples.

Both my first girlfriend and her only daughter-in-law were banging the door. The more they banged the door uttering my name, the more frequently I was being hit. The reason, I think, my brother was beating me because I cried with a voice loud enough to invite the ladies for my rescue. Again, I was saying to myself, "if you don't want me to cry, why the hell you are beating me?" But this is the way he was.

The voice outside the door became louder enough to force my brother to open the door. Now, both my mother and grandma asked the reason of my petiable posture (I was sleeping on the floor on my back just like a dog in alter position, a very rare scene). My brother said that I used a foul word for my third brother. My only girlfriend at that time reacted instantly. She said, "so what? Are you beating him for this simple reason?"

My brother was aghast. He hit me even harder. I think, he was also releasing his anger for my grandma on me. But the problem is that he was asking me "what foul word you used?" By the time I knew that he would leave me if I said "I am sorry, I will never use this."

I was feeling sorry for him. How could he just think I would say that? He knew me since last 11 years. But he wanted to change me with a blast, which is yet to happen. God was always with me. To my rescue, my brother's best friend was outside our home, calling my brother's name. "Is Narayan at home?", he yelled again and again. My brother had to leave. They had to discuss a movie that they had watched recently. I used to hear their conversations. They were using thousands of foul words while talking, many of them were for the villains of the movies. "So what was my fault? Was it because I used it for my brother?", I thought.

Before leaving, he gave me a final hit with the stick, believe me, it was the hardest by then. I thought I should not lag behind. I yelled the foul word again, believe me, it was also the loudest and sharpest by then. He also gave me a kick as a good bye sign. But to his own amusement, he was about to fall down. Somehow he could manage his balance and left to release the anger on his friend.

The next day, my mother asked me, "Have you used any foul word today for anyone?" I said, "I will never use." My mother said, "If you had told the same thing to your brother yesterday, he would not have beaten you so much." I said, "But it was a question of my self-respect."

Now, I still don't understand, what was that attitude?